Ada

If you ask me why I feel depressed, I probably won’t be able to tell you. But I can’t remember when I had been happy for long the last time.

It’s been a while since I flew into this place. It’s a happy place, a happy place with so many inhabitants. From dawn till night, the other winged creatures, of so many varieties here have built their nests just like me in the middle of tress so high, like giant towers that sunlight never reaches the floor. Morning to Night, the air is filled with many voices , many calls – of friendship, of joy , of love . This place is full of life, and probably that’s what makes me sad - the fact that I am not a part of this life.

Not many come to me, to look at my nest, even for a few seconds and fly away. When I came here, every single bird was on it’s nest mating, or desperately attempting to find a mate- calling out , dancing, singing until a partner was impressed. But I couldn’t , for I had flown in here with eggs already stirring in my womb. So I just sat there silently watching , without making a noise, as the rest of them played the most exciting parts in their lives.

Then, months later the birds settled down and watched joyfully as the beautiful oval white orbs dropped from their insides. The male would jump around and hoot at the other birds each time a new egg was dropped. Both the partners would find so much delight staring at the new-born eggs. They would arrange their ten or twenty eggs carefully around, to show-off their produce to the others around them. Only, my nest, was still empty. No man, no egg. They were still stirring inside me. It would be the first time I would be a mother when eventually they would come out.

I kept waiting, for days. Every morning I woke up, I would stand up and look under me. Sometimes, I would feel the insides of my belly and assure myself that she would come out the next day. But even after my long patient wait, that didn’t happen. I finally had the heart to give up on that Idea and accept that they were destroyed and all that I would drop later will be their remains.

Then one day, I awoke to an unbearable pain. I withered on my nest feeling my stomach explode. For the entire day, I was unable to stand, lied on my back rolling in pain. I screamed . Some birds came to see me on my nest, waited to see me for sometime and flew away. The pain lasted until afternoon, and then all of a sudden passed down my legs and vanished. Looking down, I felt a pang of joy that had since long left me. There she was, brilliant, glowing milky under a small ray from above. My precious child in her oval shell. I was a mother. She was my hope, my world. I would call her Ada.

I was somehow sure, she was a girl even though it would be a while before she hatched. The other birds were now busy tendering the young ones that had broken out of their shells- tens of them on every nest, adding their chirps to the atmosphere, already vibrant with sounds. I was happy for them all now. Soon Ada would hatch and join them. When the parents chirped happily, I sang back.

Some days later, Ada popped out of her shell and looked me in my eyes for the first time. In her first glare, she stole my heart. She was a girl after all. She looked so weak, barely able to open her eyes, with so little feathers here and there. But she was beautiful. When she grew up, I could imagine, she would be the most beautiful bird in the sky. I would love her, protect her and care for her with all my life.

For the next few days, I was too delighted and busy with gathering food for Ada to notice the others around me. The way she would take her food from my beak, made up way more than the little effort I put into gathering the best ones for her.

Little by little, Ada grew up from a weak, sickly creature to a chubby and pretty child. In some time, I would have to teach her to fly. She seemed very enthusiastic to learn and I would often see her jumping up and down swinging her hands and running around the little nest while I arrived with her meal. She was a very smart kid, perhaps even a prodigy. She was very quick to learn her way.

One of these days, I was out some distance to find a squish bug for her breakfast. I had learnt that Ada was very picky with what she ate and squish bugs where her favorite. But they were tricky to find and catch, living in tiny, impenetrable holes on tough trees. You have to knock on the bark to scare them out and grab them before they vanish into another hole. I got a clutch on five of them and flew my way back. I was late, she must be hungry.

I reached. I put the five bugs in the nest. Then, what I saw, ripped my heart out . Ada wasn’t there. I began calling. There was no response. Frantic, I began fiercely pecking around the nest everywhere. She was nowhere. I flew around the tree , pecking into other nests and trees, being chased away by other birds and desperately calling her out without much luck.

By the end of the day, I was exhausted, my nest was in ruins, and Ada was gone. I did not dare to think what might have happened to her. Slowly, I sank within and made a silent wish. I wanted to see my daughter just one more time, even if it took my life. Then, accepting my loss, I sank back into gloominess. Once again I began to notice the happy birds with their children. Lonelier than before, I fell asleep with a hungry stomach. Shutting my eyes , I drifted into a painless world. The squish bugs withered and died.

***

I was floating on a sea in the sky, like fishes. Then I saw a tiny, but a very bright light, almost like a blinding fire, rapidly buzzing in front of me. I began to chase it . As I followed, I saw many other fliers from all directions following the tiny bright light. They were all changing shapes just like clouds. A little later, I noticed that I was too. The tiny light kept leading us and we followed, in large masses. Sometime later ,we emerged from the deep sea and were engulfed in the world above the surface. It was so bright! It was a world consumed by an intense light. Looking ahead, I could see the source that consumed this universe in it’s light. It was a giant, infinite ball of fire. It had no beginning , nor end. It was so bright that one couldn’t look into it, yet, surprisingly I could do so effortlessly , and it made me a pleasant feeling . I thought Ada was there. I couldn’t see her, but I was sure she was. I called her name. No sound emerged. But she responded. She was there. I knew she was. The little light shot into the orb and blended with it. All of us followed. One by one, those around me merged with the source. I went closer and closer. And I was almost there, before it all vanished.

***

I woke up earlier than usual. Once again, I noticed my empty nest.

I missed her. I missed her badly.

I flew up to the top of the tall trees. It was cool up there. The sun wasn’t up yet. The stars in the sky were only beginning to fade. I could see the world far across the land from the tree top. Trees, lakes, hills, all under a world that was about to light up in a while.

I was hungry. I looked around for something to eat. Then, I felt a little tickling on my feet. I looked down to find a little glow bug walking about. Glowing green, on and off, aimlessly walking about my feet. Then it flew up and rose right to the front of my beak. My first Instinct was to chew and swallow the easy snack. But for some reason, I resisted. I kept looking at the little bug sailing in front of my eyes, glowing in the slightly dark and silent world. I was lost, in the tiny light. It reminded me of the light I had dreamt of last night. Is this a sign.

Then the bug started going away. I felt a strong tingling in my guts. A hunch that I wanted to follow . Then, with a brave heart, I decided. My wings spread out, my feet left the ground and I followed the light. Ada, wherever you are, I will find you.

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The rest of the story

The bird follows through an atrocious journey to find her daughter, not knowing if she was still alive. She travels places, has adventures, faces close death, all throughout , following her intuitions. She picks up trails and follows them. She would find her daughter, no matter what.

Then in the end , weak and old she, meets a beautiful, vibrant , graceful and fully grown bird- Ada. She was the most beautiful bird she had seen in her life. Joyful more than ever, she spends her last few days happily with her daughter and then passes away in a blissful death. She then rises into the sky following a tiny light, flies out of the sea and merges into the infinite ball of light.

STORIES

A bird's pursuit of happiness